writer

Practicing the presence of God through writing

There are many ways to practice God’s presence. Writing is one such practice. This is not true for all writing, but these days, the writing I do here and at Holistic Budo is one way that I practice God’s presence in my life. That doesn’t mean that everything I write is divinely inspired—far from it. Rather, I can feel God’s presence within the practice when I write with my mind on God. 

I don’t write for myself. In truth, it was never my goal or desire to write as much as I do. I write because I feel called to do so. It feels like a spiritual requirement for me, something that God is asking of me. Much like when I don’t pray or meditate, when I don’t write, I feel out of sorts. It’s as if God has given me a gift, and when I squander that gift, he lets me know it. 

I also don’t publish my writing for attention. I publish what I have written to free myself of it, let it go, and put it into the world without shame, judgment, or expectation. I publish my work as an act of not hiding. This is me not hiding behind my fear, my insecurity, or my concerns over the opinions of others. This is what I wrote. Here it is. Love it or hate it, I sat down today to write, and this is what came out. 

Writing has become, for me, a form of prayer. It’s an act of listening. I sometimes sit down with an idea in mind of what I want to write about, but that idea is usually just the thing that gets me started. Once I begin writing, it rarely, if ever, goes the way I expected. I’m merely a conduit for that which wants to be written. I’m not trying to write. I’m trying to get out of the way. 

My best writing comes out of the quiet spaces between my thoughts. When I don’t know what to write, I wait. I listen. I feel what wants to come out, and then I do my best not to taint or distort it. Some days, it’s a struggle—it’s like grappling with a ghost. Other days, it’s easy, like the Holy Spirit is writing through me.

The more I write, the more I realize how insignificant I am and how much God truly loves me. I know that my words and blog are a drop in the ocean of creation. I don’t write, however, to make waves or even ripples in the water. I write because God has given me the ability and the inspiration to do so. And it is my way of thanking him for the Spirit he has sent to guide me. It’s an act of gratitude. It’s a practice, a method for practicing the presence of God in my life. 

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations on God and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox. 

I don’t believe in writer’s block

…and then I had nothing to say. 

I’ve been writing my daily blog at Holistic Budo for a really long time. It has changed over the years and the most recent iteration is what I would call ‘divine poetry.’ As part of my morning prayer hour, I write a poem-like prayer based on whatever inspiration comes to me at that time. 

Most of the time, it feels effortless. The words just come. Some days, I will write several poems and since I only post one a day, that means I have a large amount of unpublished work sitting in a folder. 

For the last few days, however, something feels different. The words simply aren’t there and neither is the desire. It feels like I have nothing left to say on that platform, but I’m not sure why or what to do about it. 

I’ve been so committed to putting out daily posts for so long that it feels wrong to stop, but I have nothing to say. While this may just be a phase, I also acknowledge that everything changes, especially me. I’m not the same person I was when I started the blog. I’m not even the same person I was at this time last year and my writing reflects that. 

Maybe I’m entering a new season in my life. This could be the proverbial door closing so that another door can open. Or maybe I just have writer’s block, although I don’t really believe in writer’s block, and clearly I’m writing because, well, I’m writing. I’m just not writing there. 

Time to pray…

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox. 

Keep writing

As I said in Evolution of a Blog Pt. 1, I’ve been publishing daily blog posts for a long time on Meditations of a Gentle Warrior. In addition to publishing to my website, I also post my writing on social media. Social media being what it is, when people feel so inclined, they comment on what I post. 

Over the years, the feedback I’ve received has been mostly positive, which is nice. It’s good to know that others find value in my work. But since feedback is not the primary aim of my writing, I tend to glance at it, acknowledge it, and then move on. I suppose I’m afraid that if I get too caught up in what others think, it will change the way that I write, so I try to take it with a grain of salt.

That doesn’t mean the feedback goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It actually means a lot to me when someone takes the time to tell me they like what I am doing. At the very least, it’s reassuring, but it can also be fuel to keep going. I’m only human and, like most people, I feels good to be acknowledged for the work I’m doing, even if I make a concerted effort to not let it get to my head. 

When I receive criticism, however, it’s a different story altogether. I read it, reread it, worry about it, and obsess over it. If someone doesn’t like my work, whether it be the content or the style, I can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t matter how many positive comments I receive, one negative comment will make me question everything I’m doing. 

Recently, I received such a comment on one of my poems I had posted to a group called Contemplative Christianity on Facebook. Overall, it’s a good group. The folks on there seem to be respectful and supportive, but one group member took the time to write a long comment on one of my posts that really threw me for a loop. 

In her remarks, she stated that, while she enjoyed my writing, she felt that I posted too often and that my doing so is a sign of spiritual immaturity and borders on arrogance. In reading this, I was crushed, but also confused. I post once a day, it’s always respectful and in alignment with the group’s rules and focus, and I’ve never tried to push my ideas or my work on anyone. Not only that, everyone has the right to choose whether or not they want to read what I post. No one is forcing anyone to do so. 

I did my best to be respectful to her and to try to understand her position, but I was really taken aback by it because all she had to do was to not read my posts. The whole situation got me thinking though. It made me question why my reaction to negative feedback is so much stronger than my reaction to positive feedback. Why is it so lopsided? 

Why did this comment bother me so much that I read it over and over again, and couldn’t stop thinking about it? Was this enough to make me change my style, my frequency of posting, or quit altogether? No. Then why was I giving so much space in my head? 

I had to remind myself that I’m not writing for feedback, either positive or negative. I’m writing to write. I share my work as not only an act of bravery, but also an act of generosity. Some people, probably most people, are not going to like it. It’s not for them and that’s okay. My job is to keep writing for as long as I feel called to do so. Maybe someday I’ll have published work that people will pay to read and write negative comments about. What a blessing that would be. 

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox. 

Evolution of a blog pt. 1

Every day, for quite some time now, I have been writing and publishing a short blog post for my Meditations of a Gentle Warrior blog. I’ve been doing this for several years and, other than missing a day or two here and there, and a couple of longer periods where I thought I had quit altogether, I have been faithful to this practice. I honestly can’t even remember how or why I started, but I do know that I got the idea of posting daily from listing to an interview with Seth Godin who has been writing and publishing a daily blog post for well over a decade.

My blog didn’t start out as what it is now. In fact, if I remember correctly, I was posting on an entirely different site than the one I’ve been using for the last few years. The name has also changed over time. At first, I don’t think it had a name. Then, it became Holistic Budo. 

Sometime before my first martial art teacher, Joe Sheya, passed away, I had started doing a form of qigong, a mind-and-body movement practice for developing so-called internal strength, to supplement my hapkido and Brazilian jiu-jitsu practices. Upon hearing that I was studying qigong, Joe said to me, “That’s good, but don’t make the mistake I made by thinking your qigong practice is separate from your martial art practice. Find a way to integrate them.” 

The name Holistic Budo was meant to embody this idea of the integration of the holistic arts with the martial arts, with budo being the Japanese word for ‘martial arts.’ I thought that I would use my blog to document my journey through the arts, but art tends to have a mind of its own and the idea we start with is not always the art we end up with. In spite of my intentions, Holistic Budo evolved into my writing short philosophical posts wherein I shared experience, wisdom, or advice for living a better life. 

Sometimes I wrote about something I had experienced throughout the day. Sometimes I was writing to myself, basically giving myself advice for how I could have handled a situation or experience better. Other times, I imagined that I was leaving a trail of literary breadcrumbs for my daughter should she need it someday if I were no longer here to talk to. Eventually, wanting a name that better reflected what the blog had become, I changed the name to what it is now, Meditations of a Gentle Warrior. 

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox. 

Write anyway

Sometimes writing is a pleasant experience. Other times, it is quite painful. Tonight, for me, it is painful. 

The words are simply not coming. I’m grasping for ideas, but they continue to elude me. 

I’m clawing around in the dark for a lifeline, some relief, some inspiration, but all my desperate fingers can find are the empty corners of an empty room where ideas used to live.

And I know they are just words, but they are more than that. When they come to me, I am comforted as if by a dear friend. In their absence, however, I feel lost, frightened, and alone. 

Tonight, I feel as though I have been abandoned. I have nothing to say and no one to say it to. In this moment, this is all I have to offer, that I write anyway. 

On Writing – Holistic Budo

The following is a resharing of the webpage copy about my other blog ‘Holistic Budo: The Way of the Gentle Warrior’

Holistic Budo originally started as an attempt to tell stories about my martial art journey and how it has shaped and informed the person I am today. Hence, the name Holistic (the interconnectedness of things) Budo (martial arts), or how my whole life and person has been positively affected and influenced by my martial art practice. 

As the years progressed, however, I began to understand that the lessons learned in martial arts and the lessons learned in life are not separate. In this way, the concept of Holistic Budo became a self-fulfilling truth. This led to the tagline: As in life, so too in budo. As in budo, so too in life. 

Many blog posts later, Holistic Budo is now a sort of personal, daily meditation wherein I write advice on how to live a more open-hearted, compassionate, and creative life. This advice is mostly written to myself, as I need it as much as anyone, but it is also written to my daughter’s future self in the event that I am no longer around to guide her directly. As long as my writing exists, she will have a way to look to me for guidance should she so desire. 

You can read Holistic Budo HERE. If you find value in my writing, please leave a comment letting me know what you think or what your personal experience is with the topic of a given post. I write for myself, but I share my writing so that others may benefit from it as well. It is good to know that what I am putting into the world is making a connection and that I am not alone. 

Robert Van Valkenburgh