In the past, my sensitivity seemed to work in my favor. I thought I had learned to harness it for good, and I even imagined it to be a superpower. Having the ability to sense when things are wrong or are going to go wrong, allowed me to be a great problem solver. It made me an exceptional technician and a pretty good manager. 

For many years, I attempted to accomplish the impossible. That is, I tried to solve every problem that came my way. I tried to fix everything and everyone around me, even when they didn’t ask for it. This proved to be an impossible task, however. The problem, as it turns out, is that there are always more problems. 

Not only did I burn out and crash hard, but I also started to make things worse. I stepped on the toes of the people around me and, in an attempt to never let anything or anyone fail, I enabled others to be irresponsible. Then, ironically, I would get mad at them for not caring enough when, in fact, it was my caring too much that made them seem to care so little. 

All the while, I believed and acted like, if I’m not solving any and all problems, no one is going to. I was playing God and not doing a very good job at it. The more I did, the worse my relationships seemed to get. I got mad at people for not doing what I wanted, they got mad at me for the constant power trip I was on, and with all of the discord I was sowing around me, less and less was getting done.

Fast forward through a series of nervous breakdowns, several near ruined relationships, and a spiritual reawakening, and I have reached a place in my life where, to the best of my ability, I let God be God. This may seem obvious to some, but it was a hard-won lesson for me. 

My best ideas and my best efforts had to fail completely before I was willing to submit to the fact that, in spite of what I claimed to believe, I was living as though God needed my help, and not the other way around. I’m still susceptible to people-pleasing and taking on more than I can or should handle, but God is helping me find my proper place in the world. 

As it turns out, both people-pleasing and self-sufficiency are forms of idolatry in that they put human desires, whether someone else’s or your own, ahead of God’s desires. While God’s will and man’s will sometimes overlap, they often do not. In fact, man’s will is often in direct opposition to God’s will. We must choose, therefore, whether we are going to please others, please ourselves, or please God, but likely cannot do all three.

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox.