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People-pleasing and self-sufficiency are forms of idolatry

In the past, my sensitivity seemed to work in my favor. I thought I had learned to harness it for good, and I even imagined it to be a superpower. Having the ability to sense when things are wrong or are going to go wrong, allowed me to be a great problem solver. It made me an exceptional technician and a pretty good manager. 

For many years, I attempted to accomplish the impossible. That is, I tried to solve every problem that came my way. I tried to fix everything and everyone around me, even when they didn’t ask for it. This proved to be an impossible task, however. The problem, as it turns out, is that there are always more problems. 

Not only did I burn out and crash hard, but I also started to make things worse. I stepped on the toes of the people around me and, in an attempt to never let anything or anyone fail, I enabled others to be irresponsible. Then, ironically, I would get mad at them for not caring enough when, in fact, it was my caring too much that made them seem to care so little. 

All the while, I believed and acted like, if I’m not solving any and all problems, no one is going to. I was playing God and not doing a very good job at it. The more I did, the worse my relationships seemed to get. I got mad at people for not doing what I wanted, they got mad at me for the constant power trip I was on, and with all of the discord I was sowing around me, less and less was getting done.

Fast forward through a series of nervous breakdowns, several near ruined relationships, and a spiritual reawakening, and I have reached a place in my life where, to the best of my ability, I let God be God. This may seem obvious to some, but it was a hard-won lesson for me. 

My best ideas and my best efforts had to fail completely before I was willing to submit to the fact that, in spite of what I claimed to believe, I was living as though God needed my help, and not the other way around. I’m still susceptible to people-pleasing and taking on more than I can or should handle, but God is helping me find my proper place in the world. 

As it turns out, both people-pleasing and self-sufficiency are forms of idolatry in that they put human desires, whether someone else’s or your own, ahead of God’s desires. While God’s will and man’s will sometimes overlap, they often do not. In fact, man’s will is often in direct opposition to God’s will. We must choose, therefore, whether we are going to please others, please ourselves, or please God, but likely cannot do all three.

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox. 

Being upset on behalf of others only makes matters worse

Something I have noticed over the past year or so is that a lot of my spiritual and emotional unrest occurs on behalf of others. I have porous emotional boundaries and, when someone around me is upset about something, I find myself getting upset about it as well. It’s not even that they are asking me to be upset. I just take it upon myself. 

Ever since I can remember, even if I don’t act like it, I’ve been extremely sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around me. I can feel what others are feeling and it affects me deeply. While this sensitivity may be useful at times, it is also a hindrance to my own peace and emotional integrity. 

I don’t know how or why I developed this sensitivity to the feelings of others. At some point in my life, I’m sure it served as a defense mechanism of some sort. If I could sense what others were feeling before they acted on it, if I could anticipate their needs, I could then either defuse a potentially volatile situation or protect myself from whatever was coming my way. 

The problem is that I can’t shut this sensitivity off. It’s like my emotional feelers are turned up to ten all of the time and it’s exhausting. If I’m around people who are happy, it makes me happier. If I’m around people who are at peace, I’m more peaceful. If I’m around people who are hurt or angry, I’m also hurt or angry.

For this reason, I often crave solitude in order to recharge. If I’m going to be around others, I prefer the intimate company of one or two people at a time. Or, if I have to be around a lot of people, I need to know that there is a way out in case I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. 

Where I run into trouble, however, is when someone close to me is angry, hurt, or disturbed by something. Whatever they feel, I feel it too. If they are mad about something or at someone, I find myself feeling the same way, even if I wasn’t mad before. If they are hurt or saddened, I become hurt or saddened as well. It’s not even helpful. In fact, it tends to make things worse. 

My being upset on someone else’s behalf, when they didn’t even ask me to be, has caused me way more grief than gain. It has gotten me into arguments and fights I had no business in and it has cost me a lot of joy and peace. This is not something I’m proud of, but I used to be. 

I used to think that I was doing other people a favor by getting upset on their behalf. I was their ally and I was fighting for them so they should be grateful. As it turns out, however, amplifying negativity doesn’t improve anyone’s life, least of all my own. 

I’m not entirely sure what the solution is, but I know that I’m not solving any problems by getting upset. In fact, I have made many situations and relationships much worse by adding to the conflict instead of being an example of peace and harmony amidst it. In some circumstances, it has cost me or nearly cost me important friendships. 

I know that Jesus expects more from me than this. Being sensitive, being empathetic, is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. In fact, it is kind of a superpower. Like all superpowers, however, it can either be used for good or for evil. Jesus loves me exactly as I am, but he also commands that I “be perfect, therefore, as [my] heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48, NIV)” which means that if this trait is causing me problems, I must be willing to “cut it off (Matt 5:30).” 

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox.