bjj

Jiu-jitsu and parenting

I have recently realized that one of the most important truths about parenting is that I don’t really know how to do it. Most of the time, I’m just making my best guess as to how to handle a given situation, waiting to see how my decisions play out, and then adjusting based on the results. In this way, I suppose parenting is a lot like jiu-jitsu.

The thing about jiu-jitsu is that it’s not just about you and what you want. Your training partner always gets a say. You may think things are going to go a certain way, but your training partner has his or her own plans, strategies, and goals as well. Even if you have a specific outcome in mind, your training partner may block or counter your move, or even use your own move against you.

In this way, Jiu-jitsu is much more of a conversation than it is a monologue. Very rarely can you simply impose your will on your partner without any resistance. Even when you can, it’s not really that satisfying or beneficial to either party.

All of this also applies to parenting. I have certain goals and aspirations for my daughter, but she gets a say. And when I try to guide, lead, or correct her with a specific outcome in mind, it often does not go as planned. She has her own personality, emotions, ideas, and aspirations that all influence how our interactions go. I may start with a plan, but I am often forced to pivot because she didn’t react or respond the way I anticipated.

This is not to say that I am powerless over her and that she always gets what she wants. That would be neither desirable nor beneficial for either of us. Rather, my best parenting takes into account her personality, desires, and responses. It’s a conversation not a monologue.

Another similarity between jiu-jitsu and parenting is that, no matter how long I do either, I realize that there is way more to learn. Both jiu-jitsu and parenting keep me humble. As soon as I think I have it all figured out, I am quickly reminded that I don’t. I must remain a perpetual student.

Both also require presence and intention. I have realized that I can neither be a good parent nor jiu-jitsu practitioner if I am not present, in the moment, and undistracted. My complete attention is required if I am going to be effective. I also cannot phone it in. If I want to be a good parent and a good training partner, I have to be intentional about it. Half measures get less than half results. They get me nowhere.

Ironically perhaps, in spite of their similarities, I think parenting is way more difficult than jiu-jitsu. I’m way more scared of messing up my daughter with bad parenting than I am of messing up my training partner with bad jiu-jitsu. Actually, if I have bad jiu-jitsu, I’m the one who gets hurt. Whereas, if I parent poorly, my daughter has to live with the consequences. Raising another human being is lot of pressure.

That said, I love my life. I love being a father, even on the bad days, and I love practicing and teaching jiu-jitsu, even on the bad days. I am also extremely fortunate that I sometimes get to do both at the same time. As painful and frustrating as it may be sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox.

Committing to go deeper

A young monk walked into the abbot’s room where he found the abbot sleeping.

“Father, wake up,” said the monk.

“What is it?” the abbot asked.

“I’m leaving the monastery,” replied the monk.

“Today?” asked the abbot.

“No,” said the monk, “Not today.”

“Okay,” the abbot replied, “Be a good monk today and leave tomorrow.”

Nearly thirty years of todays have passed for that monk and the tomorrow of leaving has never come.

This story, a version of which I recently heard told by Father Augustine Wetta on The Chris Stefanick Show, reminded me of something a jiu-jitsu instructor friend of mine says to students who want to quit jiu-jitsu. He tells them, “You aren’t allowed to quit on a bad day. Keep training until you have a great day and then decide whether or not you want to quit. If, even at its best, you still decide jiu-jitsu isn’t for you, we can talk.”

All too often these days, we commit to things in a lukewarm fashion. We dabble and dip our toes in, and then quit as soon as it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, or unpleasant. But this prevents us from ever getting to the good stuff. When we quit something too soon, when we have only just scratched the surface of its depth, we never really get to learn the lessons it is meant to teach us, lessons that can only be learned through commitment.

As I have often said about marriage, “In our wedding vows, we don’t say, ‘For better or worse,’ for the better parts. Neither do we say, ‘In sickness and in health,’ for the healthy parts. Better and healthy don’t require vows of commitment. They are easy. We say our vows for when things get worse and our spouses get sick. We vow to be committed through the inevitable pain, frustration, and disillusionment that comes with every relationship.”

When we commit in this way, we begin to realize that our day-to-day feelings don’t matter as much as we once thought they did. They get some say, but feelings are unreliable and fleeting. What really matters is that we continue, that we practice, that we go deeper, that we go beyond the superficial layers of whatever activity or relationship we are involved in and get to the essence of what that activity or relationship is trying to teach us, and then we keep going.

It’s easy to commit to something when it’s new, enjoyable, and exciting, but this isn’t really commitment. Commitment is the decision to keep going after the newness has worn off, when the initial enjoyment has faded, and when we are bored or even unhappy. Commitment is the decision to not quit on a bad day and to not leave until tomorrow.

Robert Van Valkenburgh
Grappling With Divinity

To read my poetry and shorter writing, please visit Meditations of a Gentle Warrior and subscribe to receive my daily meditations in your inbox.

If you aren’t having fun you’re doing it wrong

If you aren’t having fun, you’re doing it wrong. From self defense to sport, there are many different reasons to practice jiu-jitsu. Training can and should be very serious at times.

Violence and power are serious subjects after all, and the martial arts are, at the end of the day, the study of violence and power. But it’s not all serious.

Through the practice, we develop a camaraderie and light-heartedness in spite of all of the pain, suffering, and difficulty we put ourselves through in the pursuit of whatever intangible goal we may have.

Through the losses, the frustration, and the injuries, we make friends we otherwise would not have made. With these friends, we joke, we laugh, and we find reprieve from the outside world, even if only for an hour or so a day.

Most of us are not practicing jiu-jitsu for life and death, after all. We practice because we enjoy it.

We practice because it makes our lives better. We practice because it’s fun.

Martial Art Events – KD Events LLC

The following is a resharing of the webpage copy about the martial art event company for whom I am an event coordinator, KD Events LLC.

KD Events LLC was formed in 2023 by Robert and Matthew Van Valkenburgh, along with their friend Dwayne Bowie, as a means of creating more local competition opportunities for Jiu-Jitsu and Muay Thai practitioners in the DMV (DC, MD, VA, and DE). Specifically, KD Events LLC focuses on events for niche sub-communities within Jiu-Jitsu and Muay Thai who are otherwise underserved by larger, more traditional events.

Events run by KD Events LLC:

Liquid Swords NoGi Sub Only: nogi submission only jiu-jitsu superfights
Muay Thai Development League: technical sparring scrimmages for youth, teen, and adult Muay Thai practitioners
Older Grappler: gi and nogi sparring scrimmages for older jiu-jitsu practitioners 40+
Shrimp Roll BJJ: gi and nogi sparring scrimmages for youth jiu-jitsu practitioners age 5-15 years old
The Gentle Woman: gi and nogi sparring scrimmages for female jiu-jitsu practitioners

These events are not intended to replace or compete with the larger events that already exist in our area, but to fill the gaps between them and to provide training opportunities for the Jiu-Jitsu and Muay Thai subcultures that are unintentionally neglected or ignored by these larger promotions.

For example, many older Jiu-Jitsu practitioners are hesitant to compete in traditional Jiu-Jitsu tournaments for fear of having to face someone much younger than them because of a lack of registrations in their age group. Older Grappler solves this problem by offering scrimmages and open mats for Jiu-Jitsu practitioners over the age of 40. The Gentle Woman serves the same purpose for the female Jiu-Jitsu community.

The Muay Thai Development League exists to give up-and-coming Muay Thai athletes a safe outlet through which they can gain competitive experience, either for the purpose of working up to becoming a professional fighter, or simply to test themselves outside of the comfort of their academy. Shrimp Roll Youth Jiu-Jitsu Scrimmages serves a similar purpose for youth Jiu-Jitsu practitioners who may have never competed before or are looking to gain more experience competing without the pressure and cost of a larger tournament.

Liquid Swords NoGi Sub Only is a nogi submission only jiu-jitsu superfight series where local athletes can showcase their skills in front of an audience. This is a spectator event featuring local talent and local vendors, and is intended to be a fun experience for everyone involved. The main purpose of Liquid Swords NoGi Sub Only is to provide jiu-jitsu athletes with more local nogi competition opportunities in the DMV where the majority of tournaments prioritize gi jiu-jitsu.

To find out more about KD Events LLC or to check out our upcoming events, CLICK HERE

Robert Van Valkenburgh

On Martial Arts – Jiu-Jitsu

The following is a resharing of the webpage copy about my martial art journey that led me to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Kogen Dojo

The martial arts have always been more than a physical practice for self defense or sport for me. They are a spiritual, philosophical, and moral path. It is not that the martial arts are particularly special in this way. There are many paths that are as, or more, well suited for personal development as the martial arts. Ultimately, one gets out of a practice what he or she puts into it. This is simply the path I have chosen, or that was chosen for me.

I began practicing martial arts as a way to resolve the conflict that exists inside me, with the hope that this would also help me resolve conflict with others. What I found was this and much more.

Martial arts have given me not only a physical and mental operating system for problem solving and conflict resolution, but also a community, a sense of purpose and belonging, and a means of expressing myself creatively.

Additionally, the martial arts have reignited my passion for learning and for the arts in general, something I somehow lost on the way to adulthood. Finally, through martial arts I have discovered that I love teaching, sharing the knowledge and skills that have been shared with me, and using my experience to help others discover their personal power and confidence.

All of this to say, the martial arts have given me a lot. It is a debt I can never repay. I have had amazing teachers, training partners, and mentors. I can only hope to be the same for others, something I try to do through Kogen Dojo in Severna Park and Annapolis, MD where I teach and train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I hope to see you on the mats someday.